So… Its been a while..
I forgot this even existed.
But its pretty evident it is here, still remaining like my sad pathetic excuse for a successful life.
I hate when I read over old memories. Not only does it take me back to the frame of mind where I am literally scared of everything around me, but It makes me physically sick to see how young, nieve and pathetic I have become over these past 2 years. Time like these call for radical rapid change.
Since my mind had become more clear I have found a love like no other. I think the thing that angers me so much more and makes me want to throw myself of the highest object into the deepest darkest sea, is that I thought, stupid, nieve, pathetic, desperate me had been ‘In Love’ before. I have never felt a Love like the love I have for my current Boyfriend. Love where it is not just attachment, it is so much more. I would throw myself in front of a speeding bullet intended for the biggest kill for this man. I would paint the whole world a dazzling white, just so he could paint it in anyway that made him the happiest he has ever been, even if it meant erasing my whole life just to see him smile. It is a love that I cannot put into words properly. It makes every past relationship I have EVER had, even ones that have drove me to complete insanity, a grain of sand on the biggest beach of the entire world. I forget that I am crazy when I am around him. He makes me feel the sanest I have ever felt in my whole life which reduces me to tears because I forgot what it feels like to even feel happy until I seen his face again for the very first time. If I believed in any sort of god or after life, I would swear on the most important items of my life that he has been sent from the most perfect place in the universe and sculpted by only the greatest deities. It is a love that makes my heart hurt with the most exquisite pain.
Now for my fear. I believe that behind every great love to ever exist there is a certain amount of fear. Since I have been on such an emotional roller coaster with relationships and I have a history of imagining and seeing things that are not in any way real, I Fear more than anything that He isn’t even real. That I’ve just imagined the most perfect possible being that my mind can cope with and he is just this perfect image that is floating around by my side in my life, keeping me held down with a false sense of sanity. The worst thing about this all is that even if he isn’t real, even if he is just my Dream personified into this projected imaginary image, I never ever want him to leave me or my imagination. I’d rather be insane with him than institutionalized without him. I Love everything about him. When I say he makes me feel complete, I have never meant anything more in the entirety of my existence. I fear the day that my mind is going to tell me that this all isn’t real and that the man of my dreams is all in my head.
I Love him with a Love more than Love.
the worst thing for me about waiting is that i don't smoke anymore. when waiting, i want to smoke more than usual. also, standing around smoking looks less weird than just standing about and i am very aware that people are looking at me and thinking 'why is that person standing around on his own? what is he doing?' "I wish I don't wish I still smoked," as dan andriano said. i don't know why i am saying this but i hope you like it.
Asked by nickdoesthings
I think lately its has became my least favorite thing to do. What ever happened to the days when waiting became a whole new level of excitement? Now it just seems to bring misery, doubt and anger. Why should we have to wait for things? The impatient mind, like my own, is unreasonable, impossible and sometimes just down right annoying, but maybe, just maybe, it is what forces us to make our decisions without the big song and dance of ‘should i, shouldn’t i’. Maybe it is fates way of shaking us and getting us out of unwanted situations fast. However, I for one have grown sick of waiting. Sick of waiting to be let down by people who just tend to want you there for one thing and one thing only. These two things tend to be Money or Sex. I, for one, enjoy both as every human being does, but not to the point where i would ever conjure up the ordasity to hurt another human being for my own selfish wants or needs. Human beings have made it unacceptable to love straight away. We have to wait to love, wait to feel, wait to feel anything moderately good. What is wrong with us!
Sometimes I do not understand people. Sometimes I get angry trying to understand them. Sometimes I get angry at why people want to make others miserable. Sometimes I just do not understand how anybody in the world would get their kicks out of making others feel anything but amazing.
Sometimes I lose faith in the people around me. But sometimes to understand the world and people, one has to be patient. Patience requires waiting. I for one am sick of waiting.
I give up.
"’inside my shoes, my toes were bunched up with holding back from just jumping on you, or telling you how you are all i ever think about. I was getting all brave, and i was about one second from kissing you on the mouth. Then the zombies showed up and ruined everything, because zombies are dicks.’"
has always been one of the most difficult human emotions for me to handle. Love is one feeling, but to love one has to first attach. This, I guess, could be the poison of love. The cloudy sweetness is polluted by a poisonous feeling so vivid, real and bitter that it has the potential to ruin everything you are and everything you stand for. Once attached i find it so hard to become unattached. I am the type of person that, on the outside, seems so strong. It gets so hard to uphold this persona sometimes that I just want to let the walls around me melt and be totally exposed just for a while, to know what it felt like to not have to fake anything anymore. I am to frightened to feel this emotion any longer. On the inside…well on the inside is a whole different dark world all together. I am so emotionally unstable lately that if anyone I am attached to leaves me, even for a second, I panic. But unbearable amounts of panic. It ruins me so much. I become a complete different person. I become paranoid, upset, unreasonable, unstable and unreachable. I become petrified by the questions whizzing around uncontrollably in my head, ‘what if he doesn’t come back?’ ‘what if when you leave and you never get this moment back and will never get to experience this happiness again?’.
I am so afraid of my current attachment. So afraid that I barley know if i want to live to see the end of what i know is coming my way. I have attached with no thought path what so ever which is only setting myself to get hurt. I know it. I am so scared. I dont want my tummy to sink and break again. I dont want to cry every night when my heartache is all I can think about.
I dont want to attach anymore.
But it’s inevitable
Sometimes i wished i felt nothing at all.