There Is An Eloquence In True Enthusiasm

So... Its been a while..

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 15:52:21 -0500

I forgot this even existed.

But its pretty evident it is here, still remaining like my sad pathetic excuse for a successful life.

I hate when I read over old memories. Not only does it take me back to the frame of mind where I am literally scared of everything around me, but It makes me physically sick to see how young, nieve and pathetic I have become over these past 2 years. Time like these call for radical rapid change.

Since my mind had become more clear I have found a love like no other. I think the thing that angers me so much more and makes me want to throw myself of the highest object into the deepest darkest sea, is that I thought, stupid, nieve, pathetic, desperate me had been ‘In Love’ before. I have never felt a Love like the love I have for my current Boyfriend. Love where it is not just attachment, it is so much more. I would throw myself in front of a speeding bullet intended for the biggest kill for this man. I would paint the whole world a dazzling white, just so he could paint it in anyway that made him the happiest he has ever been, even if it meant erasing my whole life just to see him smile. It is a love that I cannot put into words properly. It makes every past relationship I have EVER had, even ones that have drove me to complete insanity, a grain of sand on the biggest beach of the entire world. I forget that I am crazy when I am around him. He makes me feel the sanest I have ever felt in my whole life which reduces me to tears because I forgot what it feels like to even feel happy until I seen his face again for the very first time. If I believed in any sort of god or after life, I would swear on the most important items of my life that he has been sent from the most perfect place in the universe and sculpted by only the greatest deities. It is a love that makes my heart hurt with the most exquisite pain.

Now for my fear. I believe that behind every great love to ever exist there is a certain amount of fear. Since I have been on such an emotional roller coaster with relationships and I have a history of imagining and seeing things that are not in any way real, I Fear more than anything that He isn’t even real. That I’ve just imagined the most perfect possible being that my mind can cope with and he is just this perfect image that is floating around by my side in my life, keeping me held down with a false sense of sanity. The worst thing about this all is that even if he isn’t real, even if he is just my Dream personified into this projected imaginary image, I never ever want him to leave me or my imagination. I’d rather be insane with him than institutionalized without him. I Love everything about him. When I say he makes me feel complete, I have never meant anything more in the entirety of my existence. I fear the day that my mind is going to tell me that this all isn’t real and that the man of my dreams is all in my head.

I Love him with a Love more than Love.

And everything I feel for you I wrote down on one piece of paper, the one in your hand, you won't understand, how much this hurts to let you go.

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 12:13:28 -0500

Brothers To The End.

Mon, 19 Sep 2011 18:26:14 -0400

Photo

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 20:28:06 -0400

Photo

Mon, 22 Aug 2011 22:18:07 -0400

the worst thing for me about waiting is that i don't smoke anymore. when waiting, i want to smoke more than usual. also, standing around smoking looks less weird than just standing about and i am very aware that people are looking at me and thinking 'why is that person standing around on his own? what is he doing?' "I wish I don't wish I still smoked," as dan andriano said. i don't know why i am saying this but i hope you like it.

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 09:31:41 -0400

"To imagine is everything, to know is nothing at all."

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 09:26:32 -0400

“To imagine is everything, to know is nothing at all.”

- Anatole France

Waiting...

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 09:24:00 -0400

I think lately its has became my least favorite thing to do. What ever happened to the days when waiting became a whole new level of excitement? Now it just seems to bring misery, doubt and anger. Why should we have to wait for things? The impatient mind, like my own, is unreasonable, impossible and sometimes just down right annoying, but maybe, just maybe, it is what forces us to make our decisions without the big song and dance of ‘should i, shouldn’t i’. Maybe it is fates way of shaking us and getting us out of unwanted situations fast. However, I for one have grown sick of waiting. Sick of waiting to be let down by people who just tend to want you there for one thing and one thing only. These two things tend to be Money or Sex. I, for one, enjoy both as every human being does, but not to the point where i would ever conjure up the ordasity to hurt another human being for my own selfish wants or needs. Human beings have made it unacceptable to love straight away. We have to wait to love, wait to feel, wait to feel anything moderately good. What is wrong with us!

Sometimes I do not understand people. Sometimes I get angry trying to understand them. Sometimes I get angry at why people want to make others miserable. Sometimes I just do not understand how anybody in the world would get their kicks out of making others feel anything but amazing.

Sometimes I lose faith in the people around me. But sometimes to understand the world and people, one has to be patient. Patience requires waiting. I for one am sick of waiting.

I give up.

"‎’inside my shoes, my toes were bunched up with holding back from just jumping on you, or telling..."

Sun, 07 Aug 2011 11:59:15 -0400

“‎’inside my shoes, my toes were bunched up with holding back from just jumping on you, or telling you how you are all i ever think about. I was getting all brave, and i was about one second from kissing you on the mouth. Then the zombies showed up and ruined everything, because zombies are dicks.’”

- http://whoa-whoa-woe.tumblr.com/ (via vault-713)

Attachment...

Sun, 07 Aug 2011 00:14:06 -0400

has always been one of the most difficult human emotions for me to handle. Love is one feeling, but to love one has to first attach. This, I guess, could be the poison of love. The cloudy sweetness is polluted by a poisonous feeling so vivid, real and bitter that it has the potential to ruin everything you are and everything you stand for. Once attached i find it so hard to become unattached. I am the type of person that, on the outside, seems so strong. It gets so hard to uphold this persona sometimes that I just want to let the walls around me melt and be totally exposed just for a while, to know what it felt like to not have to fake anything anymore. I am to frightened to feel this emotion any longer. On the inside…well on the inside is a whole different dark world all together. I am so emotionally unstable lately that if anyone I am attached to leaves me, even for a second, I panic. But unbearable amounts of panic. It ruins me so much. I become a complete different person. I become paranoid, upset, unreasonable, unstable and unreachable. I become petrified by the questions whizzing around uncontrollably in my head, ‘what if he doesn’t come back?’ ‘what if when you leave and you never get this moment back and will never get to experience this happiness again?’.

I am so afraid of my current attachment. So afraid that I barley know if i want to live to see the end of what i know is coming my way. I have attached with no thought path what so ever which is only setting myself to get hurt. I know it. I am so scared. I dont want my tummy to sink and break again. I dont want to cry every night when my heartache is all I can think about.

I dont want to attach anymore.

But it’s inevitable

Sometimes i wished i felt nothing at all.

Nothing.

vault-713: Wake up. Look me in the eyes again. I need to feel your hands, upon my face. Words can...

Tue, 02 Aug 2011 21:57:26 -0400

vault-713:

Wake up.

Look me in the eyes again.

I need to feel your hands, upon my face.

Words can relay nice. They can cut you open.

And then the silence surrounds you, and haunts you.

I think i might have inhaled you.

I can feel you behind my eyes.

You’ve gotten into my bloodstream.

I can feel you flowing in me.

How does it feel to know you never have to be alone?

Tue, 02 Aug 2011 09:44:38 -0400

Give us this day our daily dose of faux affliction, Forgive our sins, Forged at the pulpit with forked tongues selling faux sermons.

Sun, 31 Jul 2011 10:58:32 -0400

Today i felt happy..

Sat, 30 Jul 2011 19:02:31 -0400

Truly Happy. No fabricated happiness in any way. I feel as if my life is going somewhere finally. I have finally ridden myself of an unnecessary human being that has done nothing but add stress and unhappiness to my recent life. Its amazing how friends can just make all unhappiness you feel go away with just their company. I have smoked an inhuman amount of cigarettes and I plan to drink myself into oblivion tomorrow but for now I am content with being a happy soul.

Items burned. Memories burned.

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn..."

Sat, 30 Jul 2011 17:47:16 -0400

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”

- Oscar Wilde

Loneliness.

Sat, 23 Jul 2011 14:17:00 -0400

While alone at a small coffee shop in my home town I sat and wondered how at any one time, even surrounded by thousands of people, a person can feel lonely. Even when surrounded by family and friends, if you are going through a certain amount of emotions in your mind, emotions where your mental capacity will not allow you to see past your situation, a person will feel the most lonely they have ever felt. Emotional loneliness can be so much more severe than psychical loneliness.
As a recently discovered sufferer of psychosis, I, though surrounded by hundreds, if not, thousands of people everyday, am one of the select few who feel emotionally alone. Of course it may not help ones self when you go to places, shut your phone off and, although horrible, enjoy and embrace your situation. As strange as it may sound to people like you, although a traumatic and lonely disorder at times, psychosis can sometimes be beautiful. Where do you think people with huge imaginations such as J R R Tolkien or, my personal favourite, Edgar Allan Poe get these frighteningly vivid images of characters they write about? Writing is like an art and I, among many others, find it physically impossible to write about the description of a person unless they are either standing directly in front of me, or I have a great vivid image of them. The things people like us see are sometimes beautiful, and as a person who see’s the world as one big threat, it sometimes helps to try and, although hard, see the beauty in a bad situations. It is a whole new experience.

So maybe people like myself are not so alone? Maybe our dreams are a mild form of psychosis? Maybe people like myself are not as insane as we seem? Maybe we are just dreamers with our eyes open?.

So should we feel so alone?

"All religion, my friend, is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry."

Tue, 19 Jul 2011 22:37:51 -0400

“All religion, my friend, is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry.”

- Edgar Allan Poe.

To Love..

Sun, 17 Jul 2011 09:57:52 -0400

To say I Love You one has to be in love. Maybe it is just my mind being young and naive but I have never been able to comprehend how at any one time a person can justify saying I Love You if they do not mean it. There is no limit to love and no limit to the amount of times an individual can love, but how people use the term so loosely and not feel an inch of bad feeling for it I cannot in my human brain figure out.

Sometimes I wish phrases like I Love You never existed. They weaken us. They shake us to our very core. They destroy us. They confuse us. No other person should ever have the power to say those beautiful three words and take control of someone’s life the way they do. Its too painful.

Someone has my heart on these three strings, and I hate him for it. Hate him with all the love I have in me. I hate that he can control my heart like a puppet and I have no control.

I am helpless.

I am weak.

I am confused.

I am destroyed.

I am in Love.

"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."

Sun, 17 Jul 2011 08:48:54 -0400

“They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.”

- Edgar Allan Poe

I sat..

Wed, 13 Jul 2011 21:24:00 -0400

I sat.

I thought.

I wondered.

I fought.

I fought my fear of all things in darkness. Why I could never quite grasp. While the sky in its Inky twilight would make everything seem much more sinister, I knew it was all the same in brisk daylight. My painted pattern of sleep has been washed away by the fear of the spilling black dark liquid like substance. The slab of concrete that separates reality from dream had been broken with the biggest demolition ball of insanity. I was undoubtedly void of any type of sanity. What normal human being would not sleep past midnight? What normal human being would contemplate life and all over existence past midnight and believe it?.

I am in two minds.

What is sanity? Can I as an inexperienced human being derive insanity or for that fact sanity? Have I even been sane? Maybe as a helpless child? Maybe then I was sane. Not now. I feel not the exquisite content feeling of being a normal human being. Am I alone? While awake at 3am one is most certainly alone. All human life lie in their most vulnerable states while we, the select wake few, are left to fight off all demons of loneliness and monsters of our own minds.

Some nights I fight more than others but tonight I will do nothing.

I will sit.

I will think.

I will wonder.

I will fight.

Fight all feelings that try to make me more insane than I already am.